… But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will. — Sam Cooke, King of Soul, 1931-1964
It’s been quite a while since the last time I shared my life in this public forum. A very, very long time. But a change, in me, has finally come.
Since the last time I was here, I have dealt with a number of ups and downs, which is part of the reason I have been absent.
I just couldn’t bring myself into this public space to share private thoughts. To show vulnerability. To be transparent. To inspire others with snippets from my life. To encourage healing and self-care.
I couldn’t help you, dearest reader, because I needed to learn how to help myself first. I needed to become a living, breathing manifestation of the change that I want to see in the world. I needed to start with the woman in the looking glass. I needed to work out my own salvation.
I had to mourn the loss of the life that I once thought that I wanted.
I needed to come to terms with the fact that there are family members that I once adored who don’t have any space in their hearts for me.
I had to manage the loss of my fertility and face the reality that I would never bear a child.
I needed to deal with the hurt that came from feeling unprotected by those who I thought would always look out for my best interests.
I had to gain clarity of purpose and a clearer vision for my future.
I needed to grieve the transitions of many of my elders, including my father and biggest cheerleader, Louis M. Thomas, Jr. (A process that will never be complete.)
I had to find God in myself and learn to love her fiercely. (Thanks, Ntozake!)
I will forever be a work in process, however, I know that a big part of my healing journey is meant to happen within a community of others who are also committed to doing the work. My earnest prayer is that we can continue on the path of positive change together, in love and in truth, no matter how long it takes.